Well it's a new year, and of course around this time we all sit back and think about the things that we want to improve and change for the upcoming year, aka Resolutions. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the things that I want to change and improve or get rid of period. I look back at all the stupid things I've done over the past few years, not just in 2010, I see the stupid mistakes I keep repeating, and I'm realizing that a change needs happen so that I don't bring this immaturity and foolishness into 2011. Actions speak louder than words, so that is all that I can focus on, which is showing better than I can tell.
My first plan of action to start the new year was to go to church. I have been through so much and I've made it through thanks to God, so I need to praise God for bringing me into another year. This was my first time in my adult life coming into the new year sober, and in a church, and I have to say it was a great service. I need to up my game, start giving my tithes, start attending church regularly, and try to start living my life better in the spiritual sense...well in all senses, lol... So that is one resolution, to strengthen my relationship with God, I think that will be the best place to start before all of the rest of these resolutions fall into place.
Many people were shocked and amazed when I said I'm not drinking this NYE, I'm not trying to be that party girl and about going out and drinking every weekend this year or in the years to come. Now I'm not shutting the party girl down inside of me completely...I'm just being a more responsible and mature chick, and just going out and indulging in alcohol occasionally. I'm not finding love in the club, I don't really dance at the club, I'm kinda shy so I don't really network in the club, so why am I taking myself to the club?!?!? There are occasions and exceptions to the rule of me drinking and partying, but it most definitely won't be anything like it has been in the past.
This blog is all over the place, so bare with me, because I'm just typing as thoughts come to me...
I am joining the gym with two of my friends to lose weight for the spring/summer and start a healthier diet, which I'm really excited about!! It's great motivation to have workout partners and others who are on the same path as I am, so I'm looking forward to having time out with my girls during the week doing something that is beneficial.
The changes I want to make with this new year are all positive changes. The thing that is different about these resolutions this year, is the fact that I feel like I am now more mentally mature. I'm looking at things in a totally different light, and I'm seeing that my past mistakes are hindering me from moving on or getting what I want. Therefore, I'm taking strides to accomplish things I want.
Ever feel like you are harboring so much hate, or guilt, or hurt that is a result from something in your past? I've been carrying a multitude of emotions because of a past relationship and things I did, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere but a single life for the past 4 years. I want a relationship so bad but yet I haven't been doing a thing to prepare myself for a relationship. To prepare myself I have to get things in order, because what I was prepared to bring to the table was a bunch of BS, versus now where I feel like I am coming into myself full circle, and consider myself to be a good catch. Emotionally and mentally I have been scarred by what my ex did, and that was because I've held onto my ex for the years we dated plus the 4 years we didn't date, and that is just ridiculous. He has moved on...I never did, until NOW...
What is the point of this blog? Good question..I'm just writing and typing all of these emotions and thoughts I have been having for awhile now, that have finally come together. I'll never be perfect, people will still talk about me, people will hate me, and others will love me regardless. The thing I'm loving, is that I am at peace with the past, and ready for the future. I'm no longer crying or playing the victim....I'm excited to strengthen my relationship with God, and I pray that everything will fall into place for me. If it is in God's will, and my determination and will power workout for me, I hope to be better spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
To those who are reading this, I hope that you have an awesome year in 2011..yup I said "awesome." LOL ... I truly hope that this year brings us all of the things that we are hoping and wishing for and that whatever resolutions we make, we keep...and I'll shutup now..lol
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Proof is in the pudding...
Been a minute, but I'm BACK!!
So in the past few weeks, a lot has happened that has made me reevaluate myself, my life, my being, my......everything....
I'm realizing that I have fears and complaints, and the best thing to do is to face these fears and complaints head on, because otherwise they will just exist and continue..right?
So my fears are mainly centered around moving forward, and being scared of the future for the most part..I'm scared to death of being broke, and that's my biggest motivation. The thing that motivates me however, is when people doubt me and tell me I can't do something, I then feel the need to prove the person wrong. Sounds crazy to some, but it works for me. For instance, I had some people that said they would be surprised if I graduated from college, or even if I made it to college, and although it did take me longer than most, I did do it, and I'm proud of myself! Now the next goal is to better my self career-wise and professionally, which will then open the doors for me to start facing other challenges I'm scared of. Newest motivation, a loved one telling me not to get my hopes up about a promotion or a new career, and to just be satisfied with where I am....Now I love that person dearly, and I value their opinion to a certain degree, but doubting my ability to become better professionally is not a nice thing to say, but I will and I am stepping up to the challenge.
Complaints that I have mainly are centered around my weight. My stomach, my arms, my thighs, my ..........everything is thickly, lol. So instead of complaining and continuously eating cookies and cake, I've finally started a fitness regimen, said goodbye to fried foods, and introduced myself to water. Not going to lose my weight overnight, but I hope to lose it soon...I'm sure there are people that will say I won't stick to it, and I won't do this, and I won't do that, but I don't care!!
So anyways...other than me facing my fears, and making life changes, why does it sometimes feel like you have to prove yourself to people? It's like people only expect you to fail instead of succeed.. What happened to encouraging instead of discouraging? Anybody in your life like this?
So in the past few weeks, a lot has happened that has made me reevaluate myself, my life, my being, my......everything....
I'm realizing that I have fears and complaints, and the best thing to do is to face these fears and complaints head on, because otherwise they will just exist and continue..right?
So my fears are mainly centered around moving forward, and being scared of the future for the most part..I'm scared to death of being broke, and that's my biggest motivation. The thing that motivates me however, is when people doubt me and tell me I can't do something, I then feel the need to prove the person wrong. Sounds crazy to some, but it works for me. For instance, I had some people that said they would be surprised if I graduated from college, or even if I made it to college, and although it did take me longer than most, I did do it, and I'm proud of myself! Now the next goal is to better my self career-wise and professionally, which will then open the doors for me to start facing other challenges I'm scared of. Newest motivation, a loved one telling me not to get my hopes up about a promotion or a new career, and to just be satisfied with where I am....Now I love that person dearly, and I value their opinion to a certain degree, but doubting my ability to become better professionally is not a nice thing to say, but I will and I am stepping up to the challenge.
Complaints that I have mainly are centered around my weight. My stomach, my arms, my thighs, my ..........everything is thickly, lol. So instead of complaining and continuously eating cookies and cake, I've finally started a fitness regimen, said goodbye to fried foods, and introduced myself to water. Not going to lose my weight overnight, but I hope to lose it soon...I'm sure there are people that will say I won't stick to it, and I won't do this, and I won't do that, but I don't care!!
So anyways...other than me facing my fears, and making life changes, why does it sometimes feel like you have to prove yourself to people? It's like people only expect you to fail instead of succeed.. What happened to encouraging instead of discouraging? Anybody in your life like this?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Keep your mouth closed!!!
Okay, I need to be in the bed, but I just had to blog about this, because it is nasty and irritating, and I hope my mother doesn't read my blog, because she doesn't need to know all of this...
But, I absolutely cannot stand when a guy asks me if he can perform oral on me, or do something sexual with me....ummmmmm....for what????
This is especially disturbing when I don't really know you..Why would you ask a female that? If you are put your mouth and penis on and in every female that says yes, what makes you think I'm going to say yes?!?!? Some men are just nasty, and that's not a good look at all....
I often wonder if there is a sign on my forehead that I cannot see and only men can see that says I'm gullible, stupid, freaky, will do anything you ask me to do...or just something degrading....
The thing that kills me the most is that the guys always offering these sexual favors are usually ugly..I think these men feel like since they are not too cute, they have to compensate for their shortcomings with their "skills"... If that's the case, more power to you, but how about use that for your girlfriend or your wife, not me!
Last time I checked, STDs can be transmitted through oral sex as well, so men and women, please keep your nasty lil tongues to yourself and quit offering your unwanted services to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Tina, Diana, and Heather..ok..thanks!
But, I absolutely cannot stand when a guy asks me if he can perform oral on me, or do something sexual with me....ummmmmm....for what????
This is especially disturbing when I don't really know you..Why would you ask a female that? If you are put your mouth and penis on and in every female that says yes, what makes you think I'm going to say yes?!?!? Some men are just nasty, and that's not a good look at all....
I often wonder if there is a sign on my forehead that I cannot see and only men can see that says I'm gullible, stupid, freaky, will do anything you ask me to do...or just something degrading....
The thing that kills me the most is that the guys always offering these sexual favors are usually ugly..I think these men feel like since they are not too cute, they have to compensate for their shortcomings with their "skills"... If that's the case, more power to you, but how about use that for your girlfriend or your wife, not me!
Last time I checked, STDs can be transmitted through oral sex as well, so men and women, please keep your nasty lil tongues to yourself and quit offering your unwanted services to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Tina, Diana, and Heather..ok..thanks!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Does our past define who we are, and our actions?
This blog is one that I have to tread lightly upon writing about, but yet I feel compelled to write this blog because it explains a little bit about who I am....
I am the way I am because of the things I've experienced in my past, things I'm experiencing now, and I'm hoping to learn life lessons from the things I'm learning now, so that I don't carry the bad ish into my future...
Anyways, I was sitting and pondering why I act the way I do, and I think it goes back to childhood, and not fully dealing with some of the things that I should have dealt with, but instead, pushed it aside like it never existed. I don't like to open old wounds and hurts because all that is going to do is simply make issues worse..
I know that I carry some of my parents traits, whether good or bad, and the bad --- well ---- I don't want to carry the bad. We grow up and watch our parents make mistakes, and then vow to never make the same mistakes they did...Sometimes I think I get so focused on making sure history never repeats itself...but sometimes....history does repeat itself, and I find myself mimicking what I've seen or heard. By me being the copycat, I'm obviously sabotaging things for myself, and that must stop.
I'll give an example...For instance, one side of my family is known for drinking a lot...So being true to the family name, I can drink a lot myself. It's not something to brag about or boast about, but I can most definitely hold my own. There was a point for me in college where I was drinking every single day...couldn't go a day without a drink...why???? Simply because that is what I saw growing up, and that is what I justified as normal....But of course, I reprogrammed my train of thought, and stopped with the drinking, cuz it's obviously stupid, and stopped myself from the path of destruction I was well on my way to being on....I didn't have to join an AA group or anything like that, and I didn't quit drinking cold turkey, b/c I obviously still drink today, but the point is, I was copying stuff I had no business copying....
I have better examples, but that's all I feel like sharing...lol
This blog is not going to make sense to anybody probably, but that's okay, I know what I'm talking about. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are things from my past that happened so frequently, and so often, that it's hard to not carry those things with me into the present. The problem is, I need to let those things go, but it's hard to. So the question I pose is, how do you let go of something that happened in the past that was so monumental that it impacts you in the present?
I am the way I am because of the things I've experienced in my past, things I'm experiencing now, and I'm hoping to learn life lessons from the things I'm learning now, so that I don't carry the bad ish into my future...
Anyways, I was sitting and pondering why I act the way I do, and I think it goes back to childhood, and not fully dealing with some of the things that I should have dealt with, but instead, pushed it aside like it never existed. I don't like to open old wounds and hurts because all that is going to do is simply make issues worse..
I know that I carry some of my parents traits, whether good or bad, and the bad --- well ---- I don't want to carry the bad. We grow up and watch our parents make mistakes, and then vow to never make the same mistakes they did...Sometimes I think I get so focused on making sure history never repeats itself...but sometimes....history does repeat itself, and I find myself mimicking what I've seen or heard. By me being the copycat, I'm obviously sabotaging things for myself, and that must stop.
I'll give an example...For instance, one side of my family is known for drinking a lot...So being true to the family name, I can drink a lot myself. It's not something to brag about or boast about, but I can most definitely hold my own. There was a point for me in college where I was drinking every single day...couldn't go a day without a drink...why???? Simply because that is what I saw growing up, and that is what I justified as normal....But of course, I reprogrammed my train of thought, and stopped with the drinking, cuz it's obviously stupid, and stopped myself from the path of destruction I was well on my way to being on....I didn't have to join an AA group or anything like that, and I didn't quit drinking cold turkey, b/c I obviously still drink today, but the point is, I was copying stuff I had no business copying....
I have better examples, but that's all I feel like sharing...lol
This blog is not going to make sense to anybody probably, but that's okay, I know what I'm talking about. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are things from my past that happened so frequently, and so often, that it's hard to not carry those things with me into the present. The problem is, I need to let those things go, but it's hard to. So the question I pose is, how do you let go of something that happened in the past that was so monumental that it impacts you in the present?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Finding "Mr. Right"
2 blogs in one day -- what a treat!
Ok, so finding Mr. Right is becoming one of my life missions, because I'm getting closer to 30, and most people feel like finding their lifelong mate is imperative by this age. I don't feel like it is imperative, but I think it is a realistic goal to find your mate by the time you are 30. Most people in their 20's are about games, living life, and playing the field. I feel like, as we get closer to 30, we realize that life is more than just fun and games, and we start thinking about settling down and finding the one....
So in order to do this, you have to start dating more seriously so that you can find "the one". Now I've been single for 4 1/2 years, and wasted those single 4 1/2 years playing childish games with a grown man, where I cannot fault anybody but myself, but I digress... My point is, I'm ready to be more serious about dating, but have no clue where to start since I've been out of the game for so long. So where do you start?
There are so many past hurts, trust issues, insecurities, and low self-esteem, that have all resulted in me putting up a wall and not being able to progress into something new. How do you get past that? I can set goals for myself in life to achieve other things, but when it comes to the love life department, I'm a complete idiot, and need a guide.
Sometimes I get sucked into comparing past relationships and the ex to the potential new person. When I do this, I find flaws, and withdraw myself from the situation, ultimately making myself miss out on a potential boo. I have no clue how to stop this, except for finding a man that can prove to me that he is not like the rest or the exes.
I've also tried to learn from my mistakes in my past relationships, so that I do not mess up with future ones, but I find myself trying too hard sometimes. I wear my emotions on my sleeve now, and that's truly blocking the boo pieces from finding me and getting with me, which is NOT good!! I am a good catch, I am a good woman, I have a lot of good qualities, BUT, I'm just scared of a GOOD MAN... again I ask, where do they do that at?!?!?
At this point, I think it's going to take a heck of a man, and a lot of me breaking down my walls in order for me to progress and move on to start a new relationship. The healing process of getting over an ex lasts way too long for me, and that is something I have to work on. I've heard from many men that they can look at a woman and tell if she is scorned and what she has been through. Is that true?
Anyways, so since I'm new to the dating world again, I have no clue about doing the right and wrong things... Are women supposed to pay for dates? Are men supposed to still be chivalrous and open doors, pull out seats, etc? Should the man be the one who pursues the woman, or is it okay for the woman to pursue the man without seeming like she's a stalker? I have no clue how any of this works, so until I get some answers or until I find a man that will take the lead, show me that he is interested and become my boo, I guess I will be stuck...
But on the flip side, I have met some guys, who seem genuinely sweet, but have a sneaky motive like getting me into bed or having me get an apartment in my name for them...ya know crazy stuff like that. So those "relationships" crash and burn before they can even really take off because a man always does something to turn me off immediately. If a man is truly interested in a woman then they should put in the work, and it feels like men are too lazy to put in the work these days. I use to blame the fact that I'm a BBW as the reason why I couldn't find a man, but that has nothing to do with it, some men are just lame, and possibly I needed more time to work on myself before opening the door to let someone else enter my life. Whatever the reason might be, something needs to change soon, cuz it's cuffing season, and I'm ready for my boo, but it has to be the RIGHT boo...
Ok, so finding Mr. Right is becoming one of my life missions, because I'm getting closer to 30, and most people feel like finding their lifelong mate is imperative by this age. I don't feel like it is imperative, but I think it is a realistic goal to find your mate by the time you are 30. Most people in their 20's are about games, living life, and playing the field. I feel like, as we get closer to 30, we realize that life is more than just fun and games, and we start thinking about settling down and finding the one....
So in order to do this, you have to start dating more seriously so that you can find "the one". Now I've been single for 4 1/2 years, and wasted those single 4 1/2 years playing childish games with a grown man, where I cannot fault anybody but myself, but I digress... My point is, I'm ready to be more serious about dating, but have no clue where to start since I've been out of the game for so long. So where do you start?
There are so many past hurts, trust issues, insecurities, and low self-esteem, that have all resulted in me putting up a wall and not being able to progress into something new. How do you get past that? I can set goals for myself in life to achieve other things, but when it comes to the love life department, I'm a complete idiot, and need a guide.
Sometimes I get sucked into comparing past relationships and the ex to the potential new person. When I do this, I find flaws, and withdraw myself from the situation, ultimately making myself miss out on a potential boo. I have no clue how to stop this, except for finding a man that can prove to me that he is not like the rest or the exes.
I've also tried to learn from my mistakes in my past relationships, so that I do not mess up with future ones, but I find myself trying too hard sometimes. I wear my emotions on my sleeve now, and that's truly blocking the boo pieces from finding me and getting with me, which is NOT good!! I am a good catch, I am a good woman, I have a lot of good qualities, BUT, I'm just scared of a GOOD MAN... again I ask, where do they do that at?!?!?
At this point, I think it's going to take a heck of a man, and a lot of me breaking down my walls in order for me to progress and move on to start a new relationship. The healing process of getting over an ex lasts way too long for me, and that is something I have to work on. I've heard from many men that they can look at a woman and tell if she is scorned and what she has been through. Is that true?
Anyways, so since I'm new to the dating world again, I have no clue about doing the right and wrong things... Are women supposed to pay for dates? Are men supposed to still be chivalrous and open doors, pull out seats, etc? Should the man be the one who pursues the woman, or is it okay for the woman to pursue the man without seeming like she's a stalker? I have no clue how any of this works, so until I get some answers or until I find a man that will take the lead, show me that he is interested and become my boo, I guess I will be stuck...
But on the flip side, I have met some guys, who seem genuinely sweet, but have a sneaky motive like getting me into bed or having me get an apartment in my name for them...ya know crazy stuff like that. So those "relationships" crash and burn before they can even really take off because a man always does something to turn me off immediately. If a man is truly interested in a woman then they should put in the work, and it feels like men are too lazy to put in the work these days. I use to blame the fact that I'm a BBW as the reason why I couldn't find a man, but that has nothing to do with it, some men are just lame, and possibly I needed more time to work on myself before opening the door to let someone else enter my life. Whatever the reason might be, something needs to change soon, cuz it's cuffing season, and I'm ready for my boo, but it has to be the RIGHT boo...
10 Year Reunion -- AHHHHH
The time is quickly approaching for my 10-year high school reunion to take place next year, and I'm a little bit hesitant to go for many reasons..
I don't feel like I am where I should be, and where I want to be, in comparison to my peers. Many of them are married, have careers, children, a house, new cars, white picket fence, etc....I don't have a husband, I have a job NOT a career, no children, no new car, no house of my own, no white picket fence, and no man. So as you can tell I'm a little apprehensive about what they will think about me....Now I know I'm not the worst in my class, because the worst person turned out to be a serial killer currently in a Panama Prison, who happens to be a female (#wheredeydodatat?), BUT I know I'm not the best either...I just don't want to go in there half-steppin and not having much to say except for I made it this far alive.
I'm basically writing all this to say...I hope I have a career, a man, a new car, and a house/apartment/or townhouse of my own before this reunion comes in the spring or summer of next year. I have control over all of the things except the man, so I can and I must work on making those things happen, not only for the sake of me wanting to say something positive at the reunion, but because I need to get my grown woman on.
So, have you been to your high school reunion and felt like a bum compared to your peers? Does it really matter?
I don't feel like I am where I should be, and where I want to be, in comparison to my peers. Many of them are married, have careers, children, a house, new cars, white picket fence, etc....I don't have a husband, I have a job NOT a career, no children, no new car, no house of my own, no white picket fence, and no man. So as you can tell I'm a little apprehensive about what they will think about me....Now I know I'm not the worst in my class, because the worst person turned out to be a serial killer currently in a Panama Prison, who happens to be a female (#wheredeydodatat?), BUT I know I'm not the best either...I just don't want to go in there half-steppin and not having much to say except for I made it this far alive.
I'm basically writing all this to say...I hope I have a career, a man, a new car, and a house/apartment/or townhouse of my own before this reunion comes in the spring or summer of next year. I have control over all of the things except the man, so I can and I must work on making those things happen, not only for the sake of me wanting to say something positive at the reunion, but because I need to get my grown woman on.
So, have you been to your high school reunion and felt like a bum compared to your peers? Does it really matter?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Negative Nancy and Negative Nick
Negative Nancy and Negative Nick...We all have encountered these girls and guys who are nothing but negative, right? Now I understand that sometimes life can throw us some curve balls and we can get upset and be negative. What is wrong with trying to be positive?
The Secret was the big phenomenon that utilizes the visualization of positive outcomes in order to achieve the things that we want to acquire. The idea is that when you are confident about something, visualize it, it will happen. So if this is the case if we are being negative we will manifest nothing but negative things, and if we are positive we will generate and manifest positive things.
For instance, saying that you won't get a job that you really want, can possibly result in you not getting that job because you are speaking the negativity into existence. Now I'm not saying that if you say I have the job, the job is mine, etc....is going to guarantee you the job, but having this positive attitude is much better than having the negative attitude, right? Even religious people often state "I'm claiming it..."
Eh...so basically all I'm saying is, I understand life sucks at times but we gotta make the best of it sometimes..Imagine if today was your last day on Earth, and all you did was whine, complain, and be depressed.....I don't want my last breath to be one filled of negativity...do you?
Now I'm guilty myself of being negative at times, but as I am a work in progress, and I'm not perfect. I realize that I want better things for myself and I'm working at getting better and being better. This post applies to me as well, so if you hear me being negative, tell me to refer to my blog. Life is too short. Live it up!
The Secret was the big phenomenon that utilizes the visualization of positive outcomes in order to achieve the things that we want to acquire. The idea is that when you are confident about something, visualize it, it will happen. So if this is the case if we are being negative we will manifest nothing but negative things, and if we are positive we will generate and manifest positive things.
For instance, saying that you won't get a job that you really want, can possibly result in you not getting that job because you are speaking the negativity into existence. Now I'm not saying that if you say I have the job, the job is mine, etc....is going to guarantee you the job, but having this positive attitude is much better than having the negative attitude, right? Even religious people often state "I'm claiming it..."
Eh...so basically all I'm saying is, I understand life sucks at times but we gotta make the best of it sometimes..Imagine if today was your last day on Earth, and all you did was whine, complain, and be depressed.....I don't want my last breath to be one filled of negativity...do you?
Now I'm guilty myself of being negative at times, but as I am a work in progress, and I'm not perfect. I realize that I want better things for myself and I'm working at getting better and being better. This post applies to me as well, so if you hear me being negative, tell me to refer to my blog. Life is too short. Live it up!
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